With Eliza’s adoption and now Tate’s adoption (up to this point), I have never really gone into any detail about all that is involved in order to be successful with attachment, bonding, and these precious children’s transition. Eliza and Tate’s transitions into our family have been completely different, but we still approached this time just home from China in the same way – by cocooning.
What a blessing this dynamic duo is!
The Lord has blessed Blake and I with the ability to be constantly filled with joy and to see the good in absolutely everything. I say that because, yes, there are challenging parts of adoption – even when you are just doing the mountains of paperwork – but the rewards are SO great that it is very easy for Blake and I to see past the challenges. Besides, I just love to share all of the blessings that are so evident in our lives every single day! So just know that those challenges are there, but it is the blessings that you will read about here!
Should be easy to see the blessing of that SMILE!
Tate will be home five weeks tomorrow, and we are still cocooning here. We have been to David and Kayla’s, our local library, Wal-Mart, and to doctor’s appointments. That is all. We have not had anyone in our home except for one of Kayla’s good friends who was helping us for a little over an hour.
Farm chores in your pjs and red boots….is there any other way?
This is very important for Tate – and I want to share a very good article that will explain why:
“Cocooning helps your child learn that his/her family is different from outside people/groups.
Because your new child may have had many caregivers in China, he or she might demonstrate indiscriminate affection. This occurs when your child displays love and affection to anyone and everyone (e.g., hugging the woman standing behind you while you are in line at the grocery store). From an outsider’s perspective, this behavior may be considered cute and friendly; however, it is actually a survival mechanism, a coping technique that children learn in an institutional setting. They learn to gain attention and affection by behaving in a charming, friendly way. Sometimes it also earns the child extra food or rewards of some kind. When a family takes the time to cocoon, their child’s opportunities to display indiscriminate affection are very limited. The child can learn that his mom always gets his snack after naptime or that her dad always reads a story before bedtime. Children who have their needs consistently met by their parents do not need to find anyone else to help them. Their security grows deeper and deeper as the parents continuously provide for their every need. The cocooning period is a time to show your new child that they are part of your family and any future relationships are secondary to that family unit.
When my husband and I met one of our sons in China, we quickly realized that he would have walked away with anyone who came along his path. When other people were around, he would put on a performance, dancing, spinning, and charming anyone who came along. Going back to the orphanage was so interesting, as he was clearly very happy there. I believe with my whole heart that he wouldn’t have batted an eye had we walked out the door without him that day. Upon coming home, we knew that our son needed a longer, very secluded cocooning period in order to teach him the difference between family and outside people.
Even months after being home, we made sure to meet all of his needs rather than allowing someone else to help him. For example, if we went to a friend’s house for dinner, we made sure to serve his food, help him in the restroom, and comfort him if he got hurt. We told our friends and family to pay him very little attention (and sometimes even ignore his presence) and redirect him back to us if he approached them for help, to play, or to show them something. It was unnatural for our family and friends to behave that way, but they all respected our wishes and trusted our judgment. Once he had a better understanding of our family unit, and our attachment was more secure, we allowed a more natural interaction with friends and family.
We also had to provide our son with explicit instruction regarding affection. First, we taught that we kiss and hug our family but wave or high five our friends and extended family. Once his indiscriminate affection had dissipated, we began allowing hugs with our core friends and extended family. The benefits of that initial cocooning phase, as well as the following months where we kept outside interactions structured and controlled, were worth their weight in gold. Our son made so much progress and learned to differentiate between our family and other people.”
Please read the rest of this excellent article here. (Especially those of you who are local and will have face to face interaction with Tate.)
I love that you love your bath, Tate!
Tate shows indiscriminate affection. Big time. And it does seem cute and friendly – which makes it more difficult to explain why it is wrong. It is one of the main reasons we are still cocooning, although there are others too.
It is the main reason we will be continuing to cocoon.
Right now we do not know for how long.
(We will, however, be having a family visit from out-of-state on Saturday, and we are anxious to see how Tate (and Eliza) do!)
Because our home is usually full of friends, cocooning can feel like a lonely thing! On top of that, because of the craziness of this season of life, I have not been able to e-mail friends, or even return e-mails from friends right now, which is the way most of my friends and I keep in touch.
We are focused on the goal though!
Please be in prayer with us as we keep working with Tate, in hopes that we can lay a strong foundation which will allow a secure future as our precious son!
